Overheard on the Radio this Morning

"Is that chill in the air autumn or do I feel the Cold War returning?" Seriously, the "news" guy on 99.1 uttered this sentence. We'll note that today's predicted LOW is 70. The only chill to be found is the one that ran down my spine when I was subjected to such patent fearmongering before I'd even had my morning coffee.

Fortunately, I was able to warm up again when Walter Furley stoked the fires of my hatred with "The Way I See It," his weekly editorial on the local NPR. (Oh, Walter Furley, how I hate you.) As the CC readers know, WF (or should I say W[t]F [1]) has previously offered such mind-blowingly trite editorials as:

• You Shouldn't Speed Because I Once Saw a Speeder Hit a Poodle and That Was Sad;


• Don't Litter, Because When You Mess With Texas, You Mess With Yourself; and


• Smile. [Yes, truly, a whole editorial about how smiling uses more muscles than frowning and how when you smile you'll feel better. Surely this qualifies as the most insipid message uttered, at least since that guy at that cocktail party tried to seem like a Nice Guy by blathering about how personality is more important than looks if you want to find love. It is as though W[t]F is developing a Chicken Soup for the NPR Listener's Soul, but hasn't gotten around to the cutesy stories yet, just the punchlines that we've all already heard from other Chicken Soup books and inspirational calenders and chats with grandmas.]

But today, Walter reached beyond his standard pablum [or at least claimed to]:
"I have just discovered the answer to all the problems in the world."

Um, delusions of grandeur much? [2]

You're certainly interested in aforementioned panacea. Well, after a brief and stunningly uninformative introduction about chamber music, said answer arrived. LISten. Yes, that's right, LISten. [3] LISten to your spouse and you might prevent a divorce. [This is news?] LISten to your children and they will grow up better adjusted. LISten to the other members of your chamber ensemble and you will perform as a more cohesive unit, bringing joy to the audience. I can't. I can't say much about it. I will merely note that while in many cases this LISten concept is so obvious it goes without saying for anyone except Walter Furley, his catholicon claim overreaches. There is at least one person to whom you can listen and still despise. That person is Walter Furley.

[1] Because, really, what the fuck. Who decided that he should get an editorial? How does he persuade himself that this embarrassment should be aired?

[2] If the hubris of Icarus had a one night stand with the megolomania of Charles Manson, the first words uttered by their love child might just be, "I've found the answer to all the problems of the world."

[3] Yes, he did pronounce it that way, every time, with the strangely intense emphasis on the first syllable. Walter Furley may be the originator of the theory that "Frito" needs a strangely intense emphasis on the second syllable, as in, "Wouldn't it be a great idea to put some fri-TOE pie on this hamburger?" I reject this pronunciation regardless of provenance, but will do so with more glee and vigor if it comes from W[t]F.

Editor's Note: Still hating my inability to do proper footnotes. I heart footnotes.